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Robert Spottswood, M.A.'s avatar

Nicely parsed.

If ambivalence is the natural human state, I have not encountered a better skill at articulating it with total candor.

Hats off.

Also for your iron stomach for movie scenes.

Yikes.

Decarceration's avatar

Well, I can see your points about the contrived elements within the storytelling.

But there's sort of a moral push-pull going on that's a bit more complicated than you're suggesting. I was in prison for eight and a half years. I know it's a broken system that needs to be fixed, it's failing the inmates, it's failing society. I suffered when I was down. We all did. Much of that suffering came from the active choices made by my captors, the decisions to hurt me, starve me, jeopardize my safety and health. There was an attempt on my life, and the ensuing medical care was carried out in a manner inconsistent with the Eighth Amendment. In other words, to teach a criminal that he was in violation of the law, they violated the law when my face was, in essence, broken in half (I am 100% fine now, thankfully).

In some ways, I blame institutions. In others, I see the faces of some of those men, cruel and petty fools who were hurting me and my unfortunate brothers in arms. I know who they were, what they believed in, who they thought they were. All of those pieces of their identity came together to deprive me of my rights, to hurt me, to extend my considerable suffering.

I know, today, years removed from the experiences, that the suffering of these men will not extend my life, will not bring me peace. I know that it will not somehow even the "eternal scales of cosmic justice" or whatever highfalutin' way you'd describe the karma to which we subscribe this week. Harming those men would be further injustice. Those that acted malevolently took an interest in elevating the pain I experienced. Those that stood by were participants in a broken system that is killing entire communities nationwide by sending them back broken, under-educated men who have learned nothing about justice and everything about revenge. They will not learn from their mistakes if they are manifested in cruel and violent treatment at the hands of men they harmed.

But that power seduces everyone. It's even sexier when not only do you not have it, but it was taken from you. And it's the power that comes from removing agency from someone who manipulated that same power to hurt you. Part of that power comes from being the manifestation of retribution. And part of it comes from years of having none of it, and now indulging those years of absence in one ac of self-righteousness. It's selfish. But it's impossible to ignore the allure of causing pain to those who earned a paycheck from the state to cause pain.

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