Why Can’t Mike Johnson Count?

His caucus doesn’t want him to

Mike Johnson, the dunderheaded Christofascist GOP House Speaker, has looked deep into his heart and decided that the way of the Gospel is to tie his shoes together and then trip into a vat of hog feces, over and over again.

Now you may ask, should you as a compassionate person laugh at a leading Republican gratuitously humiliating himself in this manner? And yes, of course you should.

It’s worth emphasizing though that Johnson is not bathing in fragrant manure (just) because he is a fool with a bundle of hateful tracts where his brain should be. He is bathing in fragrant manure because he is a shameless power-hungry toady, and covering yourself in shit is the path to the speakership in the current GOP.

How to impeach yourself and look like a dope doing it

The House GOP has long threatened to impeach Homeland Security secretary Alejandro Mayorkas because he has allowed immigration to exist on his watch and also he has a Hispanic name. They finally held a vote to do the deed last evening—and failed miserably when three Republicans defected, deadlocking the House at 215-215.

Not content with that failure, the GOP rushed through a vote on an Israeli military aid package. They hoped to forestall a Senate compromise security bill which give the GOP everything they wanted but which Trump nixed because he wants to keep ranting orangely about the border throughout his reelection campaign. Because the House bill was expedited, it needed a 2/3 majority to pass. Most Democrats and some Republicans voted against it, and it too went down to defeat.

These twin humiliations raise some questions. How is it possible that House Speaker Mike Johnson never learned how to count? Is he the worst speaker of all time, or just in living memory?

“This is exactly what happens when you elevate a random backbencher to the #3 position in the US government and make him manage a caucus,” election analyst Lakshya Jain tweeted in disgust. Political scientist Matt Glassman created the derisory meme that’s up there at the top of this post.

There is unanimous consensus: Mike Johnson is bad at his job and should be mocked.

Johnson is the shitty speaker the GOP wants

I am not bucking the consensus. But I think it’s worth pointing out that the previous GOP House Speaker, Kevin McCarthy, was also very bad at counting votes and corralling his caucus. At some point, these seem less like personal failures and more like a collective exercise in self-immolation.

A large segment of the GOP House is much less interested in governing than they are in getting on Fox and posturing as the one true uncompromising conservative hope. The Mayorkas vote was a joke in the first place; the House is barely even pretending that the Homeland Security secretary did anything that rises to a high crime or misdemeanor, and there’s zero chance of a vote for removal in the Democratic-controlled Senate. It’s all nonsense theater so Georgia rep Marjorie Taylor Green can get on TV where presumptive GOP nominee Trump can see her and maybe be inspired to make her his VP.

The GOP doesn’t care about governing. They care about symbolic displays of loyalty.  Johnson could have told his caucus he didn’t have the votes for their silly sham impeachment. But the caucus doesn’t want to hear “no.” It wants to hear, “Yes, this silly sham impeachment is the most important thing in the Republic, and I would rather crawl up the ass of a flatulent pig than deny it to you.”

Johnson lost the vote because he can’t count. But he also lost it because he wasn’t elected to count or to win. He was elected to humiliate himself and his caucus at the whim of fools, hucksters, and fascist grifters. And in that respect, he is good at his job.