Great essay. Black Boy is one of my favorite books (I first read it when it was split into two parts Black Boy and American Hunger). Yes, I think it is a more gripping depiction of a totalitarian regime bc it’s one that existed and my grandparents, aunts lived through. The Handmaid’s Tale can be spun as a cautionary future, but Black Boy was reality. It’s also a past that is still romanticized in film. It is why I chafe at stories set in a racist past that ignore racism.
In my (almost completely white) school we read zero texts or books by Black authors. I discovered Black Boy at summer camp because my friend, who attended a better school, had summer reading on race and racism. So I read all his books, including Black Boy, which I thought was amazing, even though I had little context for it.
Thanks for this. It's weird how, even as awareness of child abuse has increased, the importance and sanctity of the Family has not diminished. People seem to be unable or unwilling to connect the dots. I'm generally suspicious of all parents, because I know what mine were like.
I really think you're onto something here. The thing that is so terrifying in many abusive families is the arbitrary and illogical nature of the transgressions fit for punishment. When abusers have decided you've earned a punishment there's no answer you can give them that will do anything other than enrage them further. I wasn't allowed to give the answer "I don't know" if I was being questioned about some perceived misbehavior, even though the majority of the time it was the only response I had. Whereas the way I raise my child is more about her learning the reason for rules we have for her (ie to keep her safe, healthy and happy) and frequently ends up being more of an ongoing dialogue as she makes her way through childhood and the world; the punishments I received weren't trying to teach me anything beyond the fact that I needed to submit. Most children have a pretty strong sense of when something is unfair. But they also want to please their family and feel accepted. It feels like there are only so many ways to reconcile the dissonance from growing up in these kinds of environments. It's not the kind of childhood that is designed to reward questioning the structures of the system that we live in. I feel like you can look at a map of the country and see pretty easily where it's still being practiced and by who.
I think there's still a lot of enthusiasm for discipline for discipline's sake everywhere, honestly. A lot of people treat parenting as an exercise in dominance, at least some of the time.
You're right, I think sometimes it's done out of fear and not knowing what else to do and kind of the devil you know? Particularly with parents of boys, as a way to try to keep them "safe" from the violence of the larger society. That wasn't my experience and I don't think even at their most fantastic rationalizing my parents knew it wasn't for my safety. It sent me out into the wider world much sooner than I would have gone if I'd felt safe in my family of origin.
I'm really sorry you're parents treated you like that.
I think there's some anxiety and worry that without violence children will be unruly or at risk. There's also a lot of pressure to use violence, at least in some communities (evangelical christian for example.)
I think people also enjoy dominance and power, sometimes.
It's helpful for me to consider it in the context of how it pretty much guaranteed I'd not only never parent like that but that I'd never fall for the justification of that behavior anywhere I come across it.
There are many more ways than violence that can lead parents into "fascist' control of children. "My house, my rulers"; moving to suburban communities can often fracture children into loneliness. The legal doctrines that say children 'belong to the parent", molestation {sexual}.
If parents can 'own' their children then we have a problem from the get go. Now the school, or the job, or the state can own the child. It is a perilous journey that leads to spouses "owning their mates", people "owning" their homes, and owned societies become rather uncooperative.
Uncooperative societies can despise the unlike, and unlike leads to hating thy enemy as one hates oneself.
I was waiting to hear the term double bind, but that was all that was missing.
I think behind most double bind interrogations lies impunity. As Naomi Klein once observed “impunity breeds a kind of delusional decadence.”
And behind impunity, I suspect lies isolation, or some kind of excessive privacy. Hence the appeal and also danger of isolated families, treatment groups, therapeutic camps, or attempts at utopias.
We may all have observed how any group which is allowed excessive privacy — complete freedom from any supervision or oversight — will attempt to take control of Whatever standards remain by which they will be measured.
Great essay. Black Boy is one of my favorite books (I first read it when it was split into two parts Black Boy and American Hunger). Yes, I think it is a more gripping depiction of a totalitarian regime bc it’s one that existed and my grandparents, aunts lived through. The Handmaid’s Tale can be spun as a cautionary future, but Black Boy was reality. It’s also a past that is still romanticized in film. It is why I chafe at stories set in a racist past that ignore racism.
It's an amazing book.
I recently read Wright's collection of haiku, written at the end of his life. It's also wonderful.
In my (almost completely white) school we read zero texts or books by Black authors. I discovered Black Boy at summer camp because my friend, who attended a better school, had summer reading on race and racism. So I read all his books, including Black Boy, which I thought was amazing, even though I had little context for it.
A topic near and dear to my heart! Brilliant essay!!
Thanks for this. It's weird how, even as awareness of child abuse has increased, the importance and sanctity of the Family has not diminished. People seem to be unable or unwilling to connect the dots. I'm generally suspicious of all parents, because I know what mine were like.
I really think you're onto something here. The thing that is so terrifying in many abusive families is the arbitrary and illogical nature of the transgressions fit for punishment. When abusers have decided you've earned a punishment there's no answer you can give them that will do anything other than enrage them further. I wasn't allowed to give the answer "I don't know" if I was being questioned about some perceived misbehavior, even though the majority of the time it was the only response I had. Whereas the way I raise my child is more about her learning the reason for rules we have for her (ie to keep her safe, healthy and happy) and frequently ends up being more of an ongoing dialogue as she makes her way through childhood and the world; the punishments I received weren't trying to teach me anything beyond the fact that I needed to submit. Most children have a pretty strong sense of when something is unfair. But they also want to please their family and feel accepted. It feels like there are only so many ways to reconcile the dissonance from growing up in these kinds of environments. It's not the kind of childhood that is designed to reward questioning the structures of the system that we live in. I feel like you can look at a map of the country and see pretty easily where it's still being practiced and by who.
I think there's still a lot of enthusiasm for discipline for discipline's sake everywhere, honestly. A lot of people treat parenting as an exercise in dominance, at least some of the time.
You're right, I think sometimes it's done out of fear and not knowing what else to do and kind of the devil you know? Particularly with parents of boys, as a way to try to keep them "safe" from the violence of the larger society. That wasn't my experience and I don't think even at their most fantastic rationalizing my parents knew it wasn't for my safety. It sent me out into the wider world much sooner than I would have gone if I'd felt safe in my family of origin.
I'm really sorry you're parents treated you like that.
I think there's some anxiety and worry that without violence children will be unruly or at risk. There's also a lot of pressure to use violence, at least in some communities (evangelical christian for example.)
I think people also enjoy dominance and power, sometimes.
It's helpful for me to consider it in the context of how it pretty much guaranteed I'd not only never parent like that but that I'd never fall for the justification of that behavior anywhere I come across it.
I love the way you drew these parallels in a way that hadn't occurred to me.
Incredibly wonderful essay, thank you. Sending now to EVERYONE
There are many more ways than violence that can lead parents into "fascist' control of children. "My house, my rulers"; moving to suburban communities can often fracture children into loneliness. The legal doctrines that say children 'belong to the parent", molestation {sexual}.
If parents can 'own' their children then we have a problem from the get go. Now the school, or the job, or the state can own the child. It is a perilous journey that leads to spouses "owning their mates", people "owning" their homes, and owned societies become rather uncooperative.
Uncooperative societies can despise the unlike, and unlike leads to hating thy enemy as one hates oneself.
Well done!
I was waiting to hear the term double bind, but that was all that was missing.
I think behind most double bind interrogations lies impunity. As Naomi Klein once observed “impunity breeds a kind of delusional decadence.”
And behind impunity, I suspect lies isolation, or some kind of excessive privacy. Hence the appeal and also danger of isolated families, treatment groups, therapeutic camps, or attempts at utopias.
We may all have observed how any group which is allowed excessive privacy — complete freedom from any supervision or oversight — will attempt to take control of Whatever standards remain by which they will be measured.
The Republican’s white patriarchal dream.
Sorry to run on.
A very well done and stimulating article!